Top Ten Worst Valentines Day Presents – A girl’s guide

From a guy’s perspective:

10. Cute cupid and hearts clothes and accessories…  such as ties, socks and underwear.  No, we are not wearing this to work or any wear in public.  You can save your money and just write a sign that says “my schmoopy is a pussy” instead.

9. Anything with a bobble head is no longer cool for valentines, (not sure if it ever was but we are now making it official.)

8. Drugstore Valentines gifts may get a guy out of the “holy shit it’s Valentines Day” at 5:15 dilemma (even though her grinding teeth and half smile would beg to differ) But never is the reverse ok.  We have no idea what to do with or say when we receive a stuffed animal with a heart under cellophane.  Oooh… look he has your eyes, I’ll put it right on the bar so the guys can see it on poker night?

7. A key chain that says “I love you” or any other attempts to pee on our leg to let other girls know this fire hydrant is spoken for.

6. Re gifting old boyfriends stuff.  I thought I saw that cheesy red bathrobe in the back of the closet once and why does it already smell like Brut?

5. Vegan alternative chocolates and candy. We are not sure what the hell this stuff is but it doesn’t go with the steak I’m ordering.

4. Condescending Obligatory Holiday Pity Sex. Blocking a time slot to roll your eyes and try and convince us how lucky we are would have had us opt for an argument instead… but then again it is sex.

3. A Romantic chick flick movie. If we must go can I take my roofie now?

2. Anything that gives away the fact that you are a psycho: your blood in a vial necklace, our name carved into your skin, our entire life mapped out in a book, etc.

1. Congratulations Valentines Card …we’re pregnant! (and it’s the second date)

Now, you might be asking…what do I give him?

Great question! Why don’t you start off your shopping with a Screaming O Sexy Cupid gift, the perfect way to spice up your Valentines. And trust me from experience…he will love it…it’s Valentines sex!

NOT this:

Top Ten Worst Valentines Day Presents – A guy’s guide

From a girl’s perspective:

10. Ugly stuffed animals with “I love you” messages.
If they are ugly, we don’t want them sitting around the house. They’re useless and they’re creepy. They’ll either end up in the trash or in the dog’s toybox. Even if the stuffed animal is cute, this is not a good present. We will have a moment of ‘Awww…how cute”, and then it’s over. It gets tossed in a corner. Before you know it, you’ll end up with a couch like this:

And…do you really want their eyes staring at you while you’re trying to get it on?

9. Drustore chocolates or candy

Even if you remembered to take off the drugstore label, we can tell what chocolates came from the drugstore. This shouts: last minute present. Oops, I forgot to get you a present so I ran to the only place that was open at midnight.

Here’s another reason not to get chocolates from anywhere: we’re probably on a diet, and you just messed it up. Thanks a lot.

8. Fake flowers

Especially if they light up or include any other lame gimmick. It’s just tacky, and they’re going to end up in the garbage.

7. Facebook gifts

Unless you’re 12 or Aunt Dorothy who “likes” all your status posts, this is not romantic by any stretch of the imagination. And if receiving a Facebook gift wasn’t bad enough, it is now on our wall for the whole world to see and…riducle.

6. Coupons

All I can say is…lame. We want you to do things like this for us throughout the year, many times, without us having to “cash in” on them.

5. Gimmick gifts

If we are expecting a romantic or sexy Valentines present that shows us how much you care, we do not want to get a candy bra, heart print toilet paper, Horny Toads candy, a light up heart mouse pad, love rats, and please, please…if you ever want us to marry you at some point: a fake oversized engagement ring.

4. Tattoos

Unless I ride a Harley, don’t ever even consider this. For either one of us. And FYI, a tattoo of our face or name doesn’t show us how devoted you are, it just shows how stupid you are.

Also bad idea:

Presents for you in disguise:

3. Gaming systems, etc.

Do not buy us a Valentines gift that is a gaming system that you will be using most of the time. It may seem fun the day you give it to us, but as the year goes by, and you are the only one using our Valentines gift, we will start to get pissed. And then we will resent you and the gaming system, and you may come home one day to your girl wearing a new outfit. Where did she get it, you ask? And to your horror, you will find out your gaming system was sold on Craigslist and your Halo progress gone forever.

2. S&M or other bizarre fetish paraphernalia

This is your fantasy, not ours. Please don’t bring Valentines Day into this. If you must, lightly bring up the subject some other day of the year.

1. Breast implant gift certificate

There is no need for an explanation. If you even try this you’re a selfish douchebag, and we will dump your ass.

Now, you might be asking…what do I give her?

Great question! Why don’t you start off your shopping with a Screaming O Sexy Cupid gift, the perfect way to spice up your Valentines. And trust me from experience…she will love it.

NOT this: